


Hold Me Without Touch

by etoilecourageuse



Category: Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
Genre: Gen, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-22 19:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9623027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoilecourageuse/pseuds/etoilecourageuse
Summary: Mameha has not always been privileged. She knows better than to take her life for granted.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sobriquett](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sobriquett/gifts).



> A very, very happy Chocolate Box Exchange to you, dear Sobriquett! It was a true pleasure writing for you - "Memoirs Of A Geisha" is my favourite book of all time, and when I saw that you requested Mameha I was over the moon, since honestly, I adore her most of all. I really, really hope that you enjoy this!

It was a privilege to live alone. It was a privilege to have paid off any debt, a privilege to choose whose company to keep, it was a privilege to reject certain requests, a privilege to be independent. For a geisha, it was a privilege to survive. 

Mameha had not always been privileged, had not always lived in the way she could afford to live now, had not always known such luxury but worked hard for it, and truly, no matter how simple, how modest, her life might appear to others, there could be no greater luxury to her than to hide within the safety of her own home, shared only with young Tatsumi, her companion whom she would refuse to speak of as a maid, protected from cruel, envious gazes that would at times still burn upon her skin long after she had closed the doors behind her back.

She had never complained, never felt the necessity, and even if she had, she knew better than to do so. Mameha knew better than to take her life for granted, knew better than to believe that she was different to those countless girls and women starving on the streets, would never allow herself to believe, to assume, that she would not, _could_ not fall, that she were to remain privileged as long as she lived. She knew better, so much better than many of those she encountered day by day, found herself both frightened and appalled by their naïvety. She knew better…

It was a privilege to choose whose company to keep… And yet Mameha would barely choose unless she had no other choice, had been too young when she had been deprived of her emotions, learning to focus not upon her clients but merely her profession, learning to shield herself from men who would have otherwise disgusted her and to never lose her smile, learning that she did not matter. A geisha never mattered. 

It was a privilege to choose whose company to keep, and many times during her engagements Mameha had been fortunate, had been fortunate also with the choice of her _danna_ , the Baron, who with his gifts had been nothing but kind to her. 

She would have broken long ago, had she allowed herself to strive for happiness, love, perhaps, had she been particularly foolish, would have broken long ago had she allowed herself to wince at the Baron’s touch, to look into his eyes and to hold his gaze… She would long have broken had she allowed herself to feel, to shed tears in times of despair, the moments she had knelt down before the _jizo_ statues, praying for hours and hours… But no. Mameha would not break. She would not break. She must not… 

It was a privilege to choose whose company to keep. Yet in truth, despite her ability to reject certain requests that others were forced to accept, despite her ability to decide whose celebration to attend, despite her hard-earned independence from her _okiya_ … The men chose her. The men would always choose her. 

Nobu Toshikazu had been different, however. Nobu Toshikazu had not requested her company, had not chosen her as never before in his life had he chosen a geisha for his entertainment, scarcely speaking, scarcely looking at her during their first encounter. 

Many, however, had followed, and in a strange way he had grown fond of her. Nobu was not a man of words, not a man of patience, or a man to find satisfaction in spending time with geisha, and yet… Yet given time he had begun to enjoy Mameha’s presence as she noticed so clearly. She had always been gifted at reading people, gaining experience over the years, as by now it would merely require one brief look into a man’s eyes to read his expression, to nearly read his thoughts… It was so easy to distinguish between delight and… Nobu had begun to enjoy her presence, and despite her despairing attempts to distance herself, she had begun to enjoy his. 

Their conversations had always been enlightening, had been about so much more than simple irrelevances, would cause her to smile, a smile so genuine that one night, long after she had returned to her home, shame seemed to nearly overwhelm her, shame that was so briefly followed by fear, a despairing fear that within her eyes it could be visible what was not meant for anyone to see, fear that… 

He was special to her. Nobu had become special to her, as he was not like the other clients, as he was not like the other men… Never had he been indecent, never had he made frivolous offers, offers to buy her as so many had before… Never had he frightened her. Mameha was not a puppet to him, the puppet many others seemed to believe her to be, amongst them the Baron. She was not a puppet to him but a woman, a partner in conversations about literature and art, conversations even about politics, and perhaps, in certain ways, his equal. 

Mameha found herself looking forward to their encounters, even if she were to deny it to herself and anyone who dared ask, found herself picking her finest garnets and combs despite the awareness that he would never take notice of her appearance, chuckled even at the imagination of his gaze focused so strictly upon his surroundings, his rare glances into her eyes… It was a pleasure to speak to him, a pleasure to keep his company despite his temper, despite his reputation amongst the other geisha that would tell otherwise. 

There were rumours, of course, rumours that were ridiculous, that had had never reached the Baron… Mameha dared not imagine his reaction, the confrontation, dared not allow her mind to drift further than it had… Nobu had become special to her, special, and yet he was another client, another man, different and yet… Never would Mameha allow herself to feel, never would she allow herself to feel more than a faint sense of contentment within his presence, as nothing… Nothing at all would disrupt her focus, nothing at all would… Never would she allow herself to feel. Never. She could not allow herself… 

And yet… Yet, Nobu had become special to her, their encounters had become special in a way that was so difficult to describe, a way only she, only they, would understand… Their encounters had become special, and at times she would gather strength from them, the strength to go on, to always go on, at times only through Nobu she would remember that indeed there was true kindness within this world. At times it was him to keep her from breaking, truly.


End file.
